In a former life I was a court jester

From A Catalog of Client Types, page 38DD: This client’s  inability to complete simple tasks will  be a frequent source of frustration. She’s never met an excuse she didn’t long to try on and check out in a 3-way mirror. She is misunderstood, stressed, overworked and scantily dressed. After unproductive meetings with her you are tempted [...]

Spelling lesson

Dysfunction is spelled with a Y.
and a D: Do you ever stop talking?
and a Y: Y why aren’t you treating me like a hero when I tracked down information you were too lazy to get?
And an S: Saying the same thing over and over- and over
And an F: Feeble
And a U: Understanding anything I’m saying?
And an N: [...]

How about you don’t call me sweetheart and I won’t call you an ass

It’s cold.
And  some guy I’ve never met just called me sweetheart on the phone, causing the temperature in my cubicle to drop another 20 degrees.
I wish there was a way to store today’s cold temperatures for use some soupy July day when I am sweaty, lethargic and miserable.

Either the emergency broadcast system isn’t working or my reception stinks

Because:
I missed the bulletin that every dipshit was going to call today with questions that have nothing to do with my job, like why the post office hasn’t forwarded mail and where they can pay their taxes.
I missed the bulletin that every visitor from NewYorkMichiganIowaIllinoisNewJerseyWisconsinPennsylvaniaandOntario was going to be out and about learning how to turn into a [...]

In which I talk about my name and forget to name the post and have to edit it to add this name which is a really bad name

For 22 years I had a name.
And then one day I got married. I had broached the subject of keeping my maiden name and the idea was met with general hysterics and displeasure. So because it’s traditional for the wife to change her name and because I cave fairly easily, I took  my husband’s name.
I [...]

correctivise

Hey guess what?
The word is meticulous, not meticulate. As in “He is usually very meticulous,” not “He is usually very meticulate.” You can’t just interchange suffixes anytime you want. It makes you appear inarticulous and I find it humorate. See what I did there? I mixed up the suffixes and made a blunder.
If you were a non-native [...]

Promoted to ass

An elderly client who is cute as the dickens (that’s right) scribbled on an envelope: Mary Dawer – {insert attorney’s name here} Ass. That’s me! I’m the Ass.
So the name’s a little off and he probably means assistant. I’ll take it.
I dreamed my whole life of being an Ass and now I am one. The [...]

what I love on Friday nights

You know what I love? I love that I never use the computer at home, and yet I always manage to be the one who cleans the mouse.
I love that there’s a bathroom in this house that I don’t use, and yet I am almost always the one who cleans it.
Why do it you ask?
Because that’s [...]

10 reasons to be happy

10 reasons to be happy:
1. My boss is on vacation
2. Monday is a holiday
3. Uno the beagle, won the Westminster Dog Show
4. My ridiculously chatty co-worker will be off tomorrow. 
5. Lost is on tonight
6. I have leftover birthday cake to eat while I watch Lost
7. My sis sent me Becoming Jane
8. My sis sent me Season [...]

Dedicated to the letter E

Enslaved.
Engaged in completing forms.
Economizing in a shitty economy.
Enraged by Bush, ignorance, bad drivers, wealth. 
Enraptured by our gorgeous, sunny, warm, breezy, kite flying weather.
Engrossed in the Journal of Eugene Delacroix.
Enchanted by Johnny Weir’s performance at the US Figure Skating Championships this past weekend.
Entranced by the letter E and my own E who turns Eighteen in a week.
Excited about the [...]