That and a dime will get you a cup of Canada

This weekend I went to America. Or I left America. I’m not really sure which. But there were stupid people there who said stupid things.
In Publix on Saturday I tried to pass myself off as a Real American with my cart full of Tastycakes and Cheetos. But the cashier was young, blonde, and highly trained. As I handed her [...]

Mere coincidences or some master plan

Coincidence or Master Plan? My daughter goes to college in  Boca Raton. Once upon a time I worked for a big savings & loan in NJ as a manager of student loan originations.  We had offices in Florida with a big student loan division in Boca Raton. All their loans got sent to our offices [...]

Well shut my mouth wide open

I guarantee this is ecstasy…. Sarah Palin’s key points from the debate last night:
maverick, maverick,maverick…mayor, Alaska, governor, say it ain’t so Joe.
Doggone it, darn right, bless their hearts, those bad guys, maverick, maverick, John McCain.
Kitchen table, maverick, Joe Six Pack, you betcha. Special needs, O’Biden, bad guys, greed, oil companies, oil rich state, God bless her, [...]

blink once if you can hear me

Something happened when I picked up my new glasses tonight.
I sort of got pissy. I could see well and the glasses looked fine – they’re not that much different than my other glasses and are in fact the same prescription: pretty close to blind. But in general things took on a darker, more annoying quality with the new [...]

Experience that counts

I suck at Paint, but it’s the thought that counts.

What I’ve -

What I’ve been reading: Are You There God? It’s Me. Kevin, by Kevin Keck. Druggie writer with OCD tendencies and screwy mother screws around with drugs and jobs and ends up married with twins. And presumably drug-free.
Moose: A Memoir of Fat Camp by Stephanie Klein. Gross descriptions of melting butter and licking cake boxes in the dark. I chose [...]

correctivise

Hey guess what?
The word is meticulous, not meticulate. As in “He is usually very meticulous,” not “He is usually very meticulate.” You can’t just interchange suffixes anytime you want. It makes you appear inarticulous and I find it humorate. See what I did there? I mixed up the suffixes and made a blunder.
If you were a non-native [...]

When in doubt make a list

What I’ve learned from 18-22 year olds or “I love my kids but…”:
1) Whenever you’re in a bad mood you should complain about how shitty America is and how you’re going to move to Europe
2) Hanging out is being busy
3) Consume huge amounts of ramen noodles, pastries, pizza and coffee and assume more will appear next week
4) It’s [...]

Promoted to ass

An elderly client who is cute as the dickens (that’s right) scribbled on an envelope: Mary Dawer – {insert attorney’s name here} Ass. That’s me! I’m the Ass.
So the name’s a little off and he probably means assistant. I’ll take it.
I dreamed my whole life of being an Ass and now I am one. The [...]

Lost finale = scrumptious

The Lost finale = scrumptious. This is why:
Sayid kicked ass, time traveling bunnies, checkmate Mr. Eko, whispers, miracles, Keamy is dead-Keamy is alive, Ben kills Keamy, “boom,” Miles eats peanuts, Rose only has 2 lines, wheel, Sun’s Emmy-winning screams, liquid nitrogen, chopper repair with duck tape, Des & Pen reunited, Des & Pen kiss, “I love you Penny [...]