In praise of cold weather and garments

I’ve longed for this day – a day when the temperature doesn’t rise above 50 and Floridians are forced to wear clothing.

Thank y’all so much for covering up! Nice sweater! Love the jacket!

 Don’t y’all worry about me. I didn’t miss seeing your tatoos or  your ugly hobbit feet. I didn’t miss seeing your hairy backs, your sweaty crevices and dank cracks. 

Clothing, I hail thee! You have introduced a sliver of civilization to an otherwise untamed and nude-loving state.

This newly-clothed state holds promise…a promise that chads won’t be left hanging, that drivers in the right lane won’t make a left across 2 lanes of traffic, that  speedos will stay in the bureau drawers where they belong.

So Floridians, keep your rippling thighs covered and settle in for another cold night. Turn on the football game and grab a beer. Should you be fixin’ to celebrate that touchdown with a few fireworks may I suggest you don a coat, jacket, or cloak, preferably full length. Put one on and keep it on. Wear it as often as you can. Your fully clothed body is much more alluring than your bare, undulating mounds of flesh.

You may find yourself, calm, fitter, healthier and more productive…


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