Just Pretend

Pretend you hire an attorney and pretend the attorney’s assistant sends you a brief letter that says:

Enclosed please find an  invoice from Super Terrific Insurance Company for the probate bond premium. Also enclosed is an invoice from The Local Rag for publication of the legal notice. Please prepare estate checks payable to Super Terrific Insurance Company and The Local Rag and send them directly to the companies in the envelopes enclosed.

Now pretend you are stupid. You respond by:

a) waiting a month before calling the attorney’s assistant to ask what you’re supposed to do, admitting  you didn’t read the letter

Now pretend you’re a condescending, uptight woman. The type of woman who would criticize a person’s body language. You receive the same letter with the same simple instructions. You respond by:

a)waiting a month and a half before calling the assistant  to ask what you are supposed to do. When the assistant tries to tell you what to do, interrupt her by saying “I didn’t understand that. I don’t understand these things.”

When the assistant asks you the status of  dead man’s account say “I thought you were taking care of it. See, that’s what I didn’t understand.” When the assistant reminds you that the attorney sent a letter telling you to close the account and put the proceeds into a new estate checking account say, ” What’s an estate? What’s probate?” When the assistant replies “Dead man’s asset is his estate. This process you are going through so you’ll be able to distribute the asset is probate,” say “See there you go. Now you’re talking about something else. I’m still thinking about what you said three minutes ago. And you get excited when you talk.” When the assistant says “I’m not excited,” cut her off and say “My mind doesn’t work that way.” When the assistant says nothing, say “I have to be able to interrupt you because I have questions. My mind doesn’t work that way.”  When the assistant contemplates cutting the phone cord say, “I work crazy hours. I can’t do anything. I had to take time off just to have my mammogram and pap smear. I don’t understand these things.” Then start telling the assistant about an account the dead man opened in 1974 for your brother that has nothing to do with anything. When the assistant says she will try to help you and see what she can find out say, “You speak in legalese and I don’t understand that.” When the assistant says she will try to help you and see what she can find out say, “Oh thank you. I have other questions but I can’t think of them now. My mind doesn’t work that way.”

 

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