Archive for the ‘dubloons’ Category

merp

October 20, 2012

Warning: this is not clever or poetic.

Yesterday I was waiting at a light and an Atlas Moving Van was in the next lane. After 23 seconds I could smell the exhaust. I inhaled deeply. I felt like I was in Pennsylvania. I liked it.

 

That kind of girl

August 7, 2011

I wonder what it would be like to be the kind of girl who doesn’t have to worry when her lawnmower won’t start.

I wonder what it would be like to be the kind of girl who doesn’t have to take her car for oil changes.

I wonder what it would be like to be the kind of girl who doesn’t check the price before she buys something.

I wonder what it would be like to be the kind of girl who gets her nails done.

I wonder what it would be like to be the kind of girl who orders fancy drinks that come with paper umbrellas.

I wonder what it would be like to be the kind of girl who sees the fire ants before she steps in them.

I wonder what it would be like to be the kind of girl who enjoys  a good steak

I wonder what it would be like to be the kind of girl who breaks rules.

I wonder what it would be like to be the kind of girl who attracts attention.

I wonder what it would be like to be the kind of girl who gets flowers.

I wonder what it would be like to be the kind of girl who is helpless.

I wonder what it would be like to be the kind of girl who accepts help.

I wonder what it would be like to be the kind of girl who has a messy house.

I wonder what it would be like to be the kind of girl who can sleep through the night.

I wonder what it would be like to be the kind of girl who never reads.

I wonder what it would be like to be the kind of girl who plays farmville during work.

I wonder what it would be like to be the kind of girl who cuts in front of people.

I wonder what it would be like to be the kind of girl who doesn’t care.

That and a dime will get you a cup of Canada

March 24, 2009

This weekend I went to America. Or I left America. I’m not really sure which. But there were stupid people there who said stupid things.

In Publix on Saturday I tried to pass myself off as a Real American with my cart full of Tastycakes and Cheetos. But the cashier was young, blonde, and highly trained. As I handed her a fistful of American dollars and a dime she immediately detected my un-Americanishness. 

She clutched the dime and licked her lips excitedly. She held the dime  up to the light for a moment until she  appeared to remember that coins don’t have watermarks. She turned the coin back and forth in her hand, squinting thoughtfully,  then announced to me and everyone within a 10 mile radius, “This dime is CANADIAN. I can’t take it.”

I gave her my best raised eyebrows and said “Uhhhhhhh, why not?”

“Because this is America! And we use American money here,” she said.

 She was serious.

I muttered a bit, dug around for another dime, ignored her when she told me to have a good day, and left the store feeling defeated  Canadian.

Back at my car, as I loaded in my groceries I thought about how many times I would not use my turn signals on the way home. I made  the 10 minute journey back to Canadia, where I spent the night saying “eh”, drinking Molson and listening to the Tragically Hip.

Experience that counts

September 7, 2008

I suck at Paint, but it’s the thought that counts.

What I’ve –

August 8, 2008

What I’ve been reading: Are You There God? It’s Me. Kevin, by Kevin Keck. Druggie writer with OCD tendencies and screwy mother screws around with drugs and jobs and ends up married with twins. And presumably drug-free.

Moose: A Memoir of Fat Camp by Stephanie Klein. Gross descriptions of melting butter and licking cake boxes in the dark. I chose not to finish it, as opposed to the writer who always cleaned her plate and then some.

Four Season in Rome by Anthony Doerr. I am only 50 pages into this memoir that is beautifully written and a joy to read.

What I’ve been eating: donuts, 5 cheese ziti, tortellini soup, Lucky Charms, blueberries, crunchy chicken & biscuits, vanilla soy milk

What I’ve been watching: So You Think You Can Dance, Daily Show, Colbert

What I’ve noticed: rainbows, turtles, lightning, darkness later in the morning, mosquitoes

What I’ve been listening to: NPR

correctivise

July 10, 2008

Hey guess what?

The word is meticulous, not meticulate. As in “He is usually very meticulous,” not “He is usually very meticulate.” You can’t just interchange suffixes anytime you want. It makes you appear inarticulous and I find it humorate. See what I did there? I mixed up the suffixes and made a blunder.

If you were a non-native speaker it would be acceptable and even cute. But you’re not, so it isn’t. And you’re not George Bush either.

Learn how to talk.

Promoted to ass

June 26, 2008

An elderly client who is cute as the dickens (that’s right) scribbled on an envelope: Mary Dawer – {insert attorney’s name here} Ass. That’s me! I’m the Ass.

So the name’s a little off and he probably means assistant. I’ll take it.

I dreamed my whole life of being an Ass and now I am one. The client said so.

It’s true then, that thing that every glass half full person says. If you believe in yourself and work hard enough you can make your dreams come true. I know mine have!

I’m very proud. I think I’ll celebrate by shitting out some pleadings and maybe a dozen cupcakes just to show off.