Archive for the ‘Mr. Emerson asks what’s that you’re taking?’ Category

In which I dress up like a barrista for Halloween

November 1, 2013

I’m reading some Thomas Merton these days and thinking maybe it will somehow rub off. Maybe I’ll become a nicer person – more at peace – less pissed off.

And there’s a sweet little old lady waiting for her ride in the lobby. So I say “Can I get you anything? Would you like a cup of coffee?” And she says she would – she’d like half a cup. Can I do that? So I say “I can make a full cup and pour half out!” And I say it with enthusiasm too, like I really am excited to do this for her. I say it as if I’ve been waiting all day for someone to ask me to do just this.

As I head back to the kitchen she says “And I like it weak.” And I’m all like “What the fuck?” What’s the point of weak coffee? Just drink tea then, or water. But then the ghost of Thomas Merton floats before me because after all it’s Halloween.

I look in the cupboard where someone has successfully been hoarding K-cups. I see dark bold, donut house, half caf, vanilla biscotti, chocolate donut. I pick the least offensive one, a mild roast, brew it up and take it to her with a little napkin and she says again how she likes it weak.

“Well, we have a Keurig,” I say.  She says “I hate those. I got rid of mine. That coffee is too strong.” I say “Well you might not like this then. ” She tastes it and says “Wow! That will put hair on your chest. The way my son makes it is he makes the coffee and adds hot water to it.” And instead of throwing the scalding coffee in her face, the ghost of Thomas Merton makes me say “Do you want me to do that? I can add hot water to it. ”   “Oh would you? Do you like coffee? I like coffee.” But of course really she doesn’t. She likes water mixed with a little coffee.

I take the coffee back to the kitchen, pour half of it out and add hot water. It still looks like black coffee but I know it tastes like water dredged up from the bottom of a river.  I take it back to her and she’s still being all tiny and sweet and I notice she can hardly even move because she’s so old. I smile and laugh a lot and say she’s lucky to have a son who knows how to make perfect coffee the way she likes it (God bless him).

A little while later she leaves. I go  pick up the cup and it’s still half full of coffee. And it was only half full to begin with because she specifically asked for only half a cup. She didn’t drink any of it. I’ll never know if it’s because the coffee was still too strong and not watery enough, or it it’s because her son came before she had a chance to drink it. And I guess it doesn’t really matter.



May 24, 2012

ImageHot day.

Rainy night.

New apron.

Cupcake shaped measuring cups.

Heart-shaped bamboo spoon.

Beer bread.

Blurry photo.

This is the easiest recipe ever. It smells great while it’s baking  and it’s tasty too. Impress your friends and family.

3 cups flour, 1 cup sugar, 3 teaspoons baking powder, 1 teaspoon salt, a little cinnamon, 12 ounce can of beer (the cheaper the better) Mix all and spread in a greased pan. Bake at 400 for an hour.


April 3, 2012

I revel on a daily basis when I have a supply of stroopies.

The proper name is stroopwafels of course, but I gave them a nickname because I’m so fond of them. How can you not be fond of a tasty treat that rests over the hot beverage in your cup until it melts into just the right amount of waffley textured deliciousness?

I was so excited to take this picture that I spilled coffee all over the counter. See the drips on the handle? True story.

Now settle in and get cozy for I’m going to read you a beautiful bit of poetry to commemorate National Poetry Month.

Roboter Stroopwafels. 10 stuks

Ingredienten: Tarwebloem,

30% stroopvullin, suiker, 3.5% boterconcentraat,

Suikerstroop, lupiennmeel!

12% boterconcentraat

glucose-fructoses stroop, suiker, ei

lupinenmeel, zout, rijsmiddelen, kaneel.

Bevat tarwe, gluten, ei, soja, lupine

melkeiwit, lactose, kaneel.



Velvet and butlers and clotted cream oh my

January 15, 2012

Homemade apricot scones! Quite delicious and the perfect treat for Downton Abbey viewing. Mrs. Patmore might even approve – though I did use a recipe and an electric stove

Yes, I am one of the millions consumed with every detail of Downton Abbey. I re-watched Season 1 this past week. I re-watched Episode 1 of Season 2 at least 3 times.

Everything about this show is perfection. The music, the costumes, the cast, the writing, the lace & velvet, the locations, the accents, the relationships…the costumes. I can’t think of a single thing that could be improved upon.

I long for a red velvet dress like Lady Cora’s. Is it wrong to want to play dress up?



February 9, 2011

I’m looking for some meaningful advice in a candy wrapper and you give me this?

The freak people

January 20, 2011

The air is soft and warm and full of hope. I have to put my hand over my chest, pledge of allegiance-style, to keep my heart from floating away.

I could really live out some fantasies on a day like this…horseback riding on the beach with Viggo Mortensen, a walk around Pemberly with Mr. Darcy, eating a whole strawberry-rhubarb pie…

Instead, after my errand at the bank, I decide to pop in to Winn Dixie, formerly known by the slogan “The Beef People,”now known by the slogan “Fresh Checked Every Day.”

There is something super creepy about the North Port Winn Dixie. It doesn’t look “Fresh Checked Every Day.” Quite frankly it’s a seedy freak magnet, but being the adrenalin junkie I am, I go in.

I pick up some ccf – canned catfood – for those who don’t know the lingo. Then I wander on down the Cookie Aisle – just to see. And that’s when the angels begin singing o’er the plains, and the mountains echo their joyous strains.

The Elusive Archway Dutch Cocoa Cookie with brownie-like flavor, chewy texture and glistening sugar crystals.

I grab two (2) packages. And then, after wiping a bead of saliva from the corner of my mouth, I put one back. Greed isn’t becoming. Mr. I-Am- Looking-For-My-Archway-Dutch-Cocoa-Soulmate-In-The-Creepiest-Store-In-Town could be watching. I don’t want to turn him off.

 And besides, I’ve been thinking about living life a little more on the edge. Regular trips to Winn Dixie could be the first step.

Inception and Cats

July 26, 2010

Why all the hype? Why all the confusion? Inception is a movie about dreams within dreams within dreams with a lot of special effects thrown in for extra summer blockbusteriness.

I’m just surprised that the fans and critics have overlooked a major influence and subplot: cats.

Consider the following thoughts, which came to me in a dream:

1. Let’s assume writer/director Christopher Nolan has a cat that sleeps on  his head and implants and extracts ideas from his mind during sleep. The story wasn’t really his idea then, his cat planted the idea in his mind while he was asleep. And even though it took Nolan 10 years to write the screenplay, it only took 10 minutes for his cat to plant the idea in his mind.

2. The characters have dumb names: Dom, Mal, Ariadne? Probably the names of some of the neighborhood cats and further proof that this plotline was a cat’s idea.

3. The dialogue consisted of characters explaining what you’re supposed to “get” about the plot. I call that condescending and believe it also demonstrates the way cats act toward people all the time.

4. Marion Cotillard plays an annoying, crazy bitch of a wife – alive or dead.  I believe her character is symbolic of both people who dislike cats and cats who dislike people.

5. Cats sleep all the time. “To sleep perchance to dream.” So who better than a cat to write a screenplay about dreaming?

6. There was a cat in one of the scenes.

7. Ocean waves were crashing on the shore in several scenes. There are fish in the ocean. Cats like fish. There is sand at the beach. Cats like to shit in sand.

8. Cats have 9 lives. So did most of the major characters.

9. Architects. Cats often build things.

10. Leo playing with the spinning top is reminiscent of a cat playing with a toy.

11. There was a lot of broken glass in this movie. Sometimes cats break things. Sometimes the things they break are made of glass.

12. This movie left a bad taste in my mouth. Cats have bad breath.

13. The kick which is used to bring dreamers back to reality is a commentary on animal abuse. Subliminal, but I picked up on it.

Find my thinking far-fetched? That’s just your subconcious mounting an attack.

Lucky Charms Team Promises Better 2010

December 27, 2009

The Lucky Charms Team and I are now bff’s. I can tell because they used an exclamation point in the letter.

Now that we’re bff’s do we have to do everything together? Because I need a lot of alone time. And I still want to go out for breakfast out with Cracklin’ Oat Bran and Cocoa Puffs.

I hope this doesn’t turn into one of those energy zapping relationships – you know the ones where all they do is talk about themselves…their hopes and dreams, their new and exciting events.

And what if Lucky finds out I like gnomes more than leprachauns? Is that going to be a problem? Because I don’t need that kind of drama.

Will they really bring magic and excitement into my life again in 2010 or is that just another false promise? I’m frightened and I don’t know if I can trust again.

There’s only one person who can calm my doubts and fears. One person who will give me thoughtful answers to real cereal questions.

Glenn Beck. Call me.