Archive for the ‘one wonders why’ Category

4 out of 5 men say childbirth was relatively painless

January 14, 2013

Here’s something else I find  annoying – men sharing their expert opinions on pregnancy and childbirth

Example: “Oh – 8 pounds 10 ounces? Well that’s not bad. At least it’s not a gutbuster.” Really? And you’ve pushed out how many 8 pound 10 ounce babies?

Example: “Epidurals are standard.” Your wife had one epidural out of 4 deliveries – so that makes them standard?

Example: “I only went through it once and that was enough.” You went through the experience of your wife having a baby once. You didn’t actually go through it so you’ll never know what it’s like.

My advice to men? Stick with nonjudgmental comments like “I’m so happy that mom and baby are healthy and well,” or “She was a trooper.”

Use qualifiers to present your confident uncertainty. “It didn’t seem like the pain of  labor was excruciating. ”

Don’t act like you have first hand knowledge about what it feels like to be pregnant and give birth  unless you want us to go around talking about what it feels like to get kicked in the balls.

 

 

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Just Pretend

October 21, 2010

Pretend you hire an attorney and pretend the attorney’s assistant sends you a brief letter that says:

Enclosed please find an  invoice from Super Terrific Insurance Company for the probate bond premium. Also enclosed is an invoice from The Local Rag for publication of the legal notice. Please prepare estate checks payable to Super Terrific Insurance Company and The Local Rag and send them directly to the companies in the envelopes enclosed.

Now pretend you are stupid. You respond by:

a) waiting a month before calling the attorney’s assistant to ask what you’re supposed to do, admitting  you didn’t read the letter

Now pretend you’re a condescending, uptight woman. The type of woman who would criticize a person’s body language. You receive the same letter with the same simple instructions. You respond by:

a)waiting a month and a half before calling the assistant  to ask what you are supposed to do. When the assistant tries to tell you what to do, interrupt her by saying “I didn’t understand that. I don’t understand these things.”

When the assistant asks you the status of  dead man’s account say “I thought you were taking care of it. See, that’s what I didn’t understand.” When the assistant reminds you that the attorney sent a letter telling you to close the account and put the proceeds into a new estate checking account say, ” What’s an estate? What’s probate?” When the assistant replies “Dead man’s asset is his estate. This process you are going through so you’ll be able to distribute the asset is probate,” say “See there you go. Now you’re talking about something else. I’m still thinking about what you said three minutes ago. And you get excited when you talk.” When the assistant says “I’m not excited,” cut her off and say “My mind doesn’t work that way.” When the assistant says nothing, say “I have to be able to interrupt you because I have questions. My mind doesn’t work that way.”  When the assistant contemplates cutting the phone cord say, “I work crazy hours. I can’t do anything. I had to take time off just to have my mammogram and pap smear. I don’t understand these things.” Then start telling the assistant about an account the dead man opened in 1974 for your brother that has nothing to do with anything. When the assistant says she will try to help you and see what she can find out say, “You speak in legalese and I don’t understand that.” When the assistant says she will try to help you and see what she can find out say, “Oh thank you. I have other questions but I can’t think of them now. My mind doesn’t work that way.”

 

mind.blown.

September 3, 2010

I’m fascinated with the concept of synchronicity or meaningful coincidences.

This week  I talked about Piggly Wiggly to a couple of people. That’s not unusual as I’m pretty  fond of the name and the logo. There are no Piggly Wigglys near me but if there were I’d do all my shopping there because it’s so kitschy and southern.

Yesterday I started reading a couple of stories in Me and My Baby View the Eclipse. I found it in my bookcase a few weeks ago and thought “I don’t know where the hell this came from but I might just  read it. ”  I put it on the chair and there it stayed until yesterday  when I began reading with my morning coffee, and discovered that on page 16 Cheryl goes to Piggly Wiggly.

(insert suspenseful Lost music here)

Unless I’m completely engrossed in a book, I’m usually reading a couple at the same time. I’ve also been reading Postcards from Ed by Edward Abbey. Yesterday I went to the library to stock up for the long weekend. I took down About a Mountain by John D’Agata, and was flipping through it when something caught my eye – Joshua Abbey. That’s weird, I read a letter in Postcards that Ed wrote to his son, Joshua.  It turns out D’Agata and his mother were driving to Yucca Mountain ( a proposed nuclear waste repository) with the very same Joshua Abbey, son of Edward Abbey.  

Admit it –  I just blew your mind.

Inception and Cats

July 26, 2010

Why all the hype? Why all the confusion? Inception is a movie about dreams within dreams within dreams with a lot of special effects thrown in for extra summer blockbusteriness.

I’m just surprised that the fans and critics have overlooked a major influence and subplot: cats.

Consider the following thoughts, which came to me in a dream:

1. Let’s assume writer/director Christopher Nolan has a cat that sleeps on  his head and implants and extracts ideas from his mind during sleep. The story wasn’t really his idea then, his cat planted the idea in his mind while he was asleep. And even though it took Nolan 10 years to write the screenplay, it only took 10 minutes for his cat to plant the idea in his mind.

2. The characters have dumb names: Dom, Mal, Ariadne? Probably the names of some of the neighborhood cats and further proof that this plotline was a cat’s idea.

3. The dialogue consisted of characters explaining what you’re supposed to “get” about the plot. I call that condescending and believe it also demonstrates the way cats act toward people all the time.

4. Marion Cotillard plays an annoying, crazy bitch of a wife – alive or dead.  I believe her character is symbolic of both people who dislike cats and cats who dislike people.

5. Cats sleep all the time. “To sleep perchance to dream.” So who better than a cat to write a screenplay about dreaming?

6. There was a cat in one of the scenes.

7. Ocean waves were crashing on the shore in several scenes. There are fish in the ocean. Cats like fish. There is sand at the beach. Cats like to shit in sand.

8. Cats have 9 lives. So did most of the major characters.

9. Architects. Cats often build things.

10. Leo playing with the spinning top is reminiscent of a cat playing with a toy.

11. There was a lot of broken glass in this movie. Sometimes cats break things. Sometimes the things they break are made of glass.

12. This movie left a bad taste in my mouth. Cats have bad breath.

13. The kick which is used to bring dreamers back to reality is a commentary on animal abuse. Subliminal, but I picked up on it.

Find my thinking far-fetched? That’s just your subconcious mounting an attack.

Gratuitous cat post

July 3, 2010

Holiday traffic is the worst-

I can sit in a box.

I can sit on the bed.

I can sit in a box on the bed.

I can sit in a box on the bed and purr.

I can sit in a box on the bed and purr and rule the world.

I can sit in a box on the bed and purr and rule the world and bring peace and joy to all who gaze upon my beauty.

Mainly I dream of you a lot

April 26, 2010

It’s lunchtime and the car is hot.  I’m getting sticky and sweaty on my short drive to the bank.  My head hurts. I’m listening to Peter Gabriel singing The Power of the Heart. So sweet and tender.  The orchestra is building. Peter’s voice falters. I might cry. I think he might be singing to me. I think he might have just proposed. It starts at  5:03 – that little shiver up my back. And there it is at 5:19. Chills.  I watch beads of sweat become goosebumps.

Later at home, I try the experiment over and over and it works every time.

Lou Reed wrote the song for his wife, Laurie Anderson. I wonder if she gets goosebumps listening to Peter sing it. I wonder if Lou does.

I wonder if Peter gives himself chills when he sings.

If you find a quarter on the sidewalk you must report it as income

January 26, 2010

I read everything. Cereal boxes, junk mail, directions, ingredients, warning labels, forms, business cards, tax publications…

Did I say tax publications? Indeed I did. Specifically IRS Publication 17. And its brilliance deserves to be blurbed.

“Deliciously uncertain – and satisfying. A gritty, unforgettable experience.”

Excerpts from Publication 17 (the only tax guide most individuals need)

Chapter 12 Other Income

Bribes. If you receive a bribe include it in your income.

Host or Hostess. If you host a party or event at which sales are made, any gift or gratuity you receive for giving the event is a payment for helping a direct seller make sales. You must report this item as income at its fair market value.

Kickbacks. You must include kickbacks, side commissions, push money, or similar payments you receive in your income on Form 1040, line 21, or on Schedule C or Schedule C-EZ, if from your self-employment activity.

Rewards. If you receive a reward for providing information, include it in your income.

Sale of personal items. If you sold an item you owned for personal use, such as a car, refrigerator, furniture, stereo, jewelry, or silverware your gain is taxable as a capital gain. Report it on Schedule D (Form 1040). You cannot deduct a loss

Stolen property. If you steal property, you must report its fair market value in your income in the year you steal it unless in the same year, you return it to its rightful owner.

seriously?