I love LOST, I love LOST, I love LOST. If it’s Wednesday night I am watching the clock gleefully anticipating 9 pm when I experience confusion interspersed with brief moments of insight. And Desmond.
Last night Jack was waking up in a jungle. Again, without me. Just once I’d like to wake up beside him. And then Hurley and Jack are speaking Spanish. And I have no idea what’s going on but Hurley’s flailing around in the water yelling in Spanish and clinging to a guitar case. Jack dives in to save him, because he always saves everyone and looks incredibly handsome while doing so.
“OK,” I’m thinking, “They aren’t on the island – they’re in some Spanish speaking country and magically know how to speak Spanish.” It makes sense for a minute, because Hurley probably already knows Spanish and magic things are always happening on the island. People who can’t walk – walk and people who should die – live and so maybe people who speak English – speak Spanish.
But the voices are all wrong and the dub is way off and it’s making me crave tacos. And then some other characters are speaking Spanish. I don’t understand.
An ad comes on. It’s in English. I understand.
LOST comes back on. It’s in Spanish. Tengo muchas preguntas!
I am frantically checking other channels and they are all in English.
“Something’s screwed up with LOST. It’s in Spanish!” I shout to No One in Particular.
I check Lost again. It’s still in Spanish. Dios mio.
I press mute. The subtitles are in English. I try to read along. There are no ominous sounds or music. This sucks.
No One in Particular calls the ABC affiliate in Tampa. They know all about the problem and have received a hundred calls from Dish users. The problem isn’t their fault, it’s Satan’s DishNetwork’s.
Now Desmond is shouting emotionally in Spanish and in someone else’s voice. I still love him.
I call Dish and announce I am a disgruntled LOST fan and they have ruined my life or at least the last half hour of my life. After feigning shock and sympathy Tech Support says the problem is logged in their system and they’re already working on it.
I hang up feeling alone and unfulfilled. I continue flipping back and forth between Spanish and subtitles. Something is going on with an envelope and a pair of shoes. Zapatos. I understand the word for shoes. Claro.
At 9:45 LOST is in English.
At 9:48 it’s in Spanish.
Suddenly it dawns on me. It’s Widmore. Or Ben. Or the Dharma Initiative. It’s totally interactive. Brilliant! The characters never know what’s going on and now neither do I. Which is pretty much the same as usual only not as fun.
At 10 I leave the TV on for a few minutes. Life on Mars starts. It’s in English.