Archive for the ‘vexing things and people’ Category

Hackasaur

July 23, 2014
I am reading Hitchhiking with Larry David.
It’s dreadful.
Synopsis: This guy breaks up with his girlfriend of 2 years (big deal) and runs to Martha’s Vineyard where his elderly parents have a summer house – (he tries to say it’s a lousy cabin but is anything on MV lousy?). He’s middle aged and once owned an entertainment marketing company or something and made a heap of money but gave it up for happiness. He hitchhikes all over Martha’s Vineyard wasting time going out for coffee and pizza and gets picked up by Larry David as well as other rich/famous people. He connects with one homeless woman to show he’s just a regular guy. He also gets picked up by a woman with a little girl who is going to see her pony and she shakes his hand solemnly and says something exceptional that amazes him.
 He easily falls into conversation with all of these folks and they in turn get philosophical and Dr. Phil-ish about love and happiness and it goes nowhere. The conversations are contrived, pointless and boring. I don’t care about his ex. I don’t care about the bird that shit on him. I don’t care about the moment he had with a horse.
Pretty, pretty, pretty bad.

4 out of 5 men say childbirth was relatively painless

January 14, 2013

Here’s something else I find  annoying – men sharing their expert opinions on pregnancy and childbirth

Example: “Oh – 8 pounds 10 ounces? Well that’s not bad. At least it’s not a gutbuster.” Really? And you’ve pushed out how many 8 pound 10 ounce babies?

Example: “Epidurals are standard.” Your wife had one epidural out of 4 deliveries – so that makes them standard?

Example: “I only went through it once and that was enough.” You went through the experience of your wife having a baby once. You didn’t actually go through it so you’ll never know what it’s like.

My advice to men? Stick with nonjudgmental comments like “I’m so happy that mom and baby are healthy and well,” or “She was a trooper.”

Use qualifiers to present your confident uncertainty. “It didn’t seem like the pain of  labor was excruciating. ”

Don’t act like you have first hand knowledge about what it feels like to be pregnant and give birth  unless you want us to go around talking about what it feels like to get kicked in the balls.

 

 

Donkey wisdom

September 28, 2012

 

The new girl started. The old girl is gone. The oldest girl remains.

I miss the old girl.

Now instead of rolling my eyes at her or making sarcastic comments in the copy room, I am reduced to dashing off scathing emails about what the new girl is doing with her boss/husband. Or what the new girl isn’t doing. Or the way the new girl sighs loudly when she finishes a phone conversation. It’s like a backwards break-up.

And my venom is all very dull, and misdirected and immature. I know it is but I can’t help myself. I feel compelled to complain out of a sense of loyalty to the old girl who got a lousy deal.  Did I say boss/husband? Oh that’s right. The old girl’s boss laid her off and hired his wife.  The silver lining in this cloud is that he’s not my boss. But still.

“We can’t all, and some of us don’t. That’s all there is to it.”

“Can’t all what?” said Pooh, rubbing his nose.

“Gaiety. Song-and-dance. Here we go round the mulberry bush.”

You probably shouldn’t have had kids

June 29, 2012

Hey hurried lady in Lowe’s. I heard you and I was watching you. I heard you screaming “I don’t have time for this,” over and over to your 3 year old who was crying in the parking lot.

I’m pretty sure your 3 year old heard you too, since you were screaming at him. Oh and your 6 year old definitely heard you. I could tell by the way he trotted alongside you looking worried and uncomfortable. It was clear he’d witnessed mommy’s lack of self-control before.

You know what’s lousy, besides you? Telling a kid that you ” don’t have time for this.” That’s pretty lousy because “this” means him and his inability to control the fact that he’s hot or tired or thirsty or ummm, oh right, 3 years old.

Hey hurried lady in Lowe’s, you know what else is a lousy, besides you? Yanking your kid roughly by the arm, and heaving him up in disgust like he’s a bag of feed. That’s pretty damn lousy. Do you like being treated like you’re a bag of feed? Well then neither does your kid.

I’m not Dr. Phil but I was thinking that maybe the next time your tot has a hard time controlling his emotions, you could try setting an example instead of having your own tantrum. Try listening instead of bellowing about how you didn’t get to go to the gym. Try hugs and kisses and tickles instead of brute force.

Or maybe try birth control.

Because if you think your 3 year old is a sack of feed you probably shouldn’t have had kids. And if you think going to the gym is more fun than your 3 year old you probably shouldn’t have had kids. And if  you can’t tolerate the sound of a child crying, you probably shouldn’t have had kids. And if you think you’re more important than your kid because you’re taller and weigh more you probably shouldn’t have had kids.

And if you’re just a self-centered, high maintenance, short-tempered dim witted bitch you definitely shouldn’t have had kids.

question & answer

December 29, 2010

Dear Dr. Oz:

Can you bleed to death from a papercut?

Episode guide

December 14, 2010

On the next episode of Intervention: A bright, likable woman’s recreational chocolate use becomes a serious problem after her long-term abusive relationship with her internet provider, Verizon, abruptly ends.

Just Pretend

October 21, 2010

Pretend you hire an attorney and pretend the attorney’s assistant sends you a brief letter that says:

Enclosed please find an  invoice from Super Terrific Insurance Company for the probate bond premium. Also enclosed is an invoice from The Local Rag for publication of the legal notice. Please prepare estate checks payable to Super Terrific Insurance Company and The Local Rag and send them directly to the companies in the envelopes enclosed.

Now pretend you are stupid. You respond by:

a) waiting a month before calling the attorney’s assistant to ask what you’re supposed to do, admitting  you didn’t read the letter

Now pretend you’re a condescending, uptight woman. The type of woman who would criticize a person’s body language. You receive the same letter with the same simple instructions. You respond by:

a)waiting a month and a half before calling the assistant  to ask what you are supposed to do. When the assistant tries to tell you what to do, interrupt her by saying “I didn’t understand that. I don’t understand these things.”

When the assistant asks you the status of  dead man’s account say “I thought you were taking care of it. See, that’s what I didn’t understand.” When the assistant reminds you that the attorney sent a letter telling you to close the account and put the proceeds into a new estate checking account say, ” What’s an estate? What’s probate?” When the assistant replies “Dead man’s asset is his estate. This process you are going through so you’ll be able to distribute the asset is probate,” say “See there you go. Now you’re talking about something else. I’m still thinking about what you said three minutes ago. And you get excited when you talk.” When the assistant says “I’m not excited,” cut her off and say “My mind doesn’t work that way.” When the assistant says nothing, say “I have to be able to interrupt you because I have questions. My mind doesn’t work that way.”  When the assistant contemplates cutting the phone cord say, “I work crazy hours. I can’t do anything. I had to take time off just to have my mammogram and pap smear. I don’t understand these things.” Then start telling the assistant about an account the dead man opened in 1974 for your brother that has nothing to do with anything. When the assistant says she will try to help you and see what she can find out say, “You speak in legalese and I don’t understand that.” When the assistant says she will try to help you and see what she can find out say, “Oh thank you. I have other questions but I can’t think of them now. My mind doesn’t work that way.”

 

How to be a dumbass in 2 easy steps

October 12, 2010

1) Attach premium 2 ply double-stitched USA car flag on super strong plastic pole to your automobile’s window. Be sure it’s proudly made in the USA.

2) Drive really close to the car in front of you, especially if the driver is observing the speed limit.

 

 

My body language is speaking in tongues

August 22, 2010

My body language needs to learn to use its quiet inside voice instead of shouting.

” Did I offend you on the phone this morning?” she asked. “Because your body language speaks volumes.”

My body language,  seemed to indicate I was offended, which offended her. This was after she was pushy, haughty and condescending with me on the phone. And after I went out of my way to get her an appointment that day despite her unpleasantness.  And after I talked to her during my lunch hour.

And also after she knocked the chair over in the conference room, called me Clare and squeezed my hand so hard I thought it would crumble.

I kind of need my hands. I do many things with them.

Of course I denied there was any body language. Language? What language. My body has no language. Everything is swell. Abuse me. Criticize me. Demand, command, direct and control me.

It will be our little secret. My body is mute.