Archive for the ‘yaris is my friend’ Category

All the famous people

July 25, 2011

I passed Gloria Swanson on Tamiami Trail. She had on a white turban and sunglasses and she was driving a lime green Vibe.

And she was driving really slowly – probably because she’s been dead for almost 30 years.

It’s not every day you see a dead actress driving down the road. I feel special.

How to be a dumbass in 2 easy steps

October 12, 2010

1) Attach premium 2 ply double-stitched USA car flag on super strong plastic pole to your automobile’s window. Be sure it’s proudly made in the USA.

2) Drive really close to the car in front of you, especially if the driver is observing the speed limit.

 

 

That and a dime will get you a cup of Canada

March 24, 2009

This weekend I went to America. Or I left America. I’m not really sure which. But there were stupid people there who said stupid things.

In Publix on Saturday I tried to pass myself off as a Real American with my cart full of Tastycakes and Cheetos. But the cashier was young, blonde, and highly trained. As I handed her a fistful of American dollars and a dime she immediately detected my un-Americanishness. 

She clutched the dime and licked her lips excitedly. She held the dime  up to the light for a moment until she  appeared to remember that coins don’t have watermarks. She turned the coin back and forth in her hand, squinting thoughtfully,  then announced to me and everyone within a 10 mile radius, “This dime is CANADIAN. I can’t take it.”

I gave her my best raised eyebrows and said “Uhhhhhhh, why not?”

“Because this is America! And we use American money here,” she said.

 She was serious.

I muttered a bit, dug around for another dime, ignored her when she told me to have a good day, and left the store feeling defeated  Canadian.

Back at my car, as I loaded in my groceries I thought about how many times I would not use my turn signals on the way home. I made  the 10 minute journey back to Canadia, where I spent the night saying “eh”, drinking Molson and listening to the Tragically Hip.

The most amazing post ever

November 18, 2008

I woke up right after he kissed me. He said I’d been asleep for 8 years and called me his sleeping beauty. Then everyone in the castle woke up to continue their lives where they had left off.

And gas was $1.99/gallon.

And we all lived happily ever after.

Dick Meyer says “worship the off button”

November 4, 2008

I’m afraid to watch the election coverage tonight. Afraid that lying, cheating, fear-mongering Republicans might win again and I will wake up in a dark alley somewhere lying in a pool of my own vomit because my tonic for four more years of Republican Rule would be alcoholism.

And that’s not something I really want to contemplate. I’m not Bukowski or Fitzgerald or Hemingway. I don’t really function well under the influence of alcohol. I just get sleepy and headachey and stupid.

I’d much rather spend the next four years drinking coffee, going to work, baking pies and reading things like “Why We Hate Us” by Dick Meyer.

Why do we hate us? Because there too many of us think someone like Sarah Palin represents a smart, working woman with good old-fashioned family values.

Meyer thinks it’s because we lack community, we have too many choices and live fast paced lives. This leads to selfishness and what he dubs “the hedonistic treadmill” of focusing on getting things you think will really make you happy and then when they don’t, craving something else.

Meyer found that much of what we hate in our every day lives are things which make us feel invisible or dismissed, like people swearing in front of children or cutting in line or blabbing away on their cell phones about their sex lives. This in turn makes us want to withdraw and tune out even more.

He suggests in a very non-preachy and sincere way, that to make us like us more we need to find and nurture real commitments in community and private life. We must try to make more thoughtful and unselfish choices. (note: buy this book for Cosmo for Christmas and highlight this part) We should turn the TV and phone and computers off more and actually interact with people. And we should also cultivate a moral temperament that will guide our treatment of others.

Sounds pretty simple but apparently Mr. Ford 4X 150 hasn’t read this book because he parked beside my Yaris yesterday and left his loud, smelly, bullshit gas guzzling engine running while I was trying to eat, read and watch the ducks paddling around  the pond. I had to move to another parking space to get away from his dipshittiness. 

Hey Mr. Ford 4X 150, listen to Dick Meyer and try making decisions with character and consideration and stop being selfish. Then maybe we won’t hate you so much.

Oh right, the book. It was really good. I felt better after I read it, knowing that a bunch of other people hate everyone too. Wait, that sounds selfish. Shit. This is going to take some work.

Upsanddownsandupsanddownsdowns

February 20, 2008

Down: On the way to a college music audition a car may be stopped in the middle of a very busy 6 lane highway and you may not be able to stop in time to avoid hitting it

Up: You think you are fucked and about to become the middle part of a multi-car wreck, but everyone else is able to stop and you live another day

 Down: Car looks like someone punched it in the nose

Up: Car is perfectly driveable

Up: Other car is fine

Down: FHP saw you had already exchanged insurance and asked if you wanted an accident report and you said yes since that’s what they taught you in driver’s ed 500 years ago and you’d never had an accident before and he didn’t bother to explain that he would proceed to write you up since you rear ended someone

Up: Audition goes well and your daughter gets accepted to music school

Down: School’s tuition is $28,000

Up: There is a promise of scholarships

Down: You wish you were the one going off to college

Up: Two days earlier she auditioned and was accepted at another college

Down: Friday you will drive 5 1/2 hours to another audition

Up: Friday you will be off work

Down: Your cat has been dragging her ass on the carpet  

Up: You know the song “Shit Luck” but it’s not a very hummable tune

Down: The dentist charged $104 for a teeth cleaning

Up: Your teeth glisten

Down: You are reading an historical-romance-time travel book called Outlander, where the heroine runs around the moors with a hunky Highlander and has frequent sex with him in between death-defying adventures

Up: The book is entertaining

Down: You keep thinking about how you try to follow rules and do things the right way and how you always end up fucking yourself over, like by getting a citation that you could have avoided, even though you can take an online course so you won’t have points, but still you wonder why the FHP cop couldn’t have just kindly mentioned to you the way it worked so that you could avoid the citation because you really don’t like being labeled as a careless driver when it wasn’t even your fault that some douchebags from Washington DC decided to sit stopped in the middle lane of I-4 because someone in front of them put on their emergency brake or stopped and which was it anyway and why didn’t they stop and then go again so that you wouldn’t slam into the back of their car and have to wonder for 15 seconds if you were going to die and later live and be labeled as a careless driver

Down: People say trite things about being “a child at heart” or “being on a journey”  and it makes you cringe just like when they say “old school” or “back in the day

Down: You hate not being in on all the adult secrets like how to not get a citation when you rear-end someone and how to cheat on your income tax return and how to get stuff for free and how to talk to people without feeling like an awkward spaz and how to let things go instead of obsessing about them and constantly blaming yourself for everything that’s a down

Busy little bee…

July 9, 2007

Commodus: “He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, “Tell me what you’ve been doing busy little bee or I shall strike down those dearest to you. You shall watch as I bathe in their blood.” And the emperor was heartbroken. The little bee had wounded him more deeply than anyone else could ever have done. And what do you think happened then, Lucius?”
Commodus was such a freak. I didn’t watch Gladiator recently but “busy little bee” always reminds me of it.

I have been a busy little bee. Saturday morning I took Yaris for an oil change bright and early. Palm has this “deal” that if you service your car there you get free tires for life. Now I realize the deal means you have to rotate your tires every 5000 miles with your oil change which ends up being about $40 complete. So after a couple of oil changes you’ve probably paid the price of a tire anyway. I think it’s a ripoff but when it comes to the car I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do.

After the oil change E and I went to IHOP. IHOP used to have a HUGE variety of exotic and awesome pancakes. I haven’t been to one in ages and I was disappointed to see only a few different selections. They seemed heavier on the eggs and sausage meals. We got stuffed french toast though, without the eggs and sausage and it was yummy.

We headed over to Arcadia for some foraging. There wasn’t anything we couldn’t live without but we found a few little treasures. A new shop opened called “Tickled Pink” which had lots of vintage clothing and shabby-chic things. In the back room I was delighted to see that someone, presumably the owner, had embelished a mirror with old, gaudy and sparkly rhinestone pins and costume jewelry. Evidently you can custom order these mirrors. It was charming and a clever use of all that old jewelry that no one ever buys. She had also hung her vintage hankies on a clothesline, handkerchief-hem style with the point facing down. Each one was clipped with a clothespin and it looked really cute. I bought some in another shop for $2-$3 because I can’t resist the colors and patterns.

We ate at the deli and we signed the wall. I’ve been there before but I never bothered to sign it until now.

Yesterday I had groceries, laundry and cleaning to deal with. I made a melt in your mouth blueberry cake from the Bed & Breakfast cookbook I’ve had for years. It’s one of my favorite recipes and I daresay it really does melt in your mouth.

parking incident

June 11, 2007

Yesterday we drove up to St. Armand’s to hit the gift shops and to get another taste of the best calzones made in Sarasota County. There was an Art show and parking was impossible. I spied two spaces at the end of the street. A prominent yellow sign was posted that read “Compact cars only”. Yaris is proud to be a compact car. I pulled into the space on the end, and decided I didn’t like being by the fire hydrant and that I’d make it easier for someone else to park if I backed up. [I can’t just park – it has to be a 20 minute decision.]

E and I are getting out of the car and I notice a van hovering at the corner. Surely they aren’t considering parking in this prime spot on the end? It’s reserved for compact cars.

So when they took the spot we were outraged. As they get out of the car I say “That spot is for compact cars, see the sign?” The old woman looks at me dumbly and says nothing. Two ugly little kids crawl out of the van, smear snot away with their hands and pick at their pants. The lard ass driver lumbers over near me and smirks. She’s like a whale. I repeat my observation “That space is for compact cars – there’s a sign.”
“I saw the sign,” lardass says.

“Well,” I reply,  “You don’t have a compact car- it’s a van.” It seems obvious, but I figure I’ll repeat it just in case she’s out of it.

Lardass brushes past me with her blubbery, jiggling legs  and says “Yes, but it’s also a handicapped.”  The motley group toddles off, presumably to find some corn nuts and pork rinds. They appear fit. There is no handicapped tag or license. There are no canes, walkers or seeing eye dogs.

I approach a cop who is dozing in his car in the middle of the traffic circle and ask him about it. He says it isn’t a citable offense and that it’s a courtesy sign.

About 10 minutes later E came up with the perfect comeback – ” I didn’t know being a bitch was a handicap.” ba-dum-bum.

After browsing a couple of our favorite shops we got a calzone at Joe’s or whatever the hell the name is. They brush them with butter and sprinkle oregano, garlic salt and sugar (I think) on top.  Their dough has just the right degree of crustiness.

We stopped at B&N on the way back where I happily spent an hour listening to CD’s. I was disappointed that they didn’t have Beirut since I’ve been obsessed with Elephant Gun since seeing the video this week.