March 10, 2013
Check out this little guy. My cousin made the cardinal out of sculpy clay because she’s cool that way, and sent it to me because she’s cool that way.
I had a hard time trying to decide how to decorate the egg for this fellow – he’s so darn cute on his own. So in the end I just went with a plain red & white egg in my favorite star-crossed lovers pattern. Damn I really love making those little stars/crosses. It’s kind of trance inducing. And as long as I don’t lose focus they all line up perfectly orderly.
Three cheers for orderliness and repetition – and repetition.
And a gold star to me for having the pretentiousness to call a series of diagonal lines and x’s a pattern.
I think the little cardinal who has been singing his own praises in my backyard lately might approve.
January 14, 2013
Here’s something else I find annoying – men sharing their expert opinions on pregnancy and childbirth.
Example: “Oh – 8 pounds 10 ounces? Well that’s not bad. At least it’s not a gutbuster.” Really? And you’ve pushed out how many 8 pound 10 ounce babies?
Example: “Epidurals are standard.” Your wife had one epidural out of 4 deliveries – so that makes them standard?
Example: “I only went through it once and that was enough.” You went through the experience of your wife having a baby once. You didn’t actually go through it so you’ll never know what it’s like.
My advice to men? Stick with nonjudgmental comments like “I’m so happy that mom and baby are healthy and well,” or “She was a trooper.”
Use qualifiers to present your confident uncertainty. “It didn’t seem like the pain of labor was excruciating. ”
Don’t act like you have first hand knowledge about what it feels like to be pregnant and give birth unless you want us to go around talking about what it feels like to get kicked in the balls.
November 18, 2012
Where is the list of things I’m thankful for? The shelter, food, family, job, darling kitties. Check, check, check, check and check The butterflies. Moss on a post. Kind strangers. I am thankful for many things yet overwhelmed by the burden of recalling them. I think the word is despondent. I feel like an old work horse, not quite put out to pasture and not quite good enough to be of real value.
I’m standing, frail and battered.
Sometimes that’s all you can do.
October 20, 2012
Warning: this is not clever or poetic.
Yesterday I was waiting at a light and an Atlas Moving Van was in the next lane. After 23 seconds I could smell the exhaust. I inhaled deeply. I felt like I was in Pennsylvania. I liked it.
September 28, 2012
The new girl started. The old girl is gone. The oldest girl remains.
I miss the old girl.
Now instead of rolling my eyes at her or making sarcastic comments in the copy room, I am reduced to dashing off scathing emails about what the new girl is doing with her boss/husband. Or what the new girl isn’t doing. Or the way the new girl sighs loudly when she finishes a phone conversation. It’s like a backwards break-up.
And my venom is all very dull, and misdirected and immature. I know it is but I can’t help myself. I feel compelled to complain out of a sense of loyalty to the old girl who got a lousy deal. Did I say boss/husband? Oh that’s right. The old girl’s boss laid her off and hired his wife. The silver lining in this cloud is that he’s not my boss. But still.
“We can’t all, and some of us don’t. That’s all there is to it.”
“Can’t all what?” said Pooh, rubbing his nose.
“Gaiety. Song-and-dance. Here we go round the mulberry bush.”
August 19, 2012
Who can tell me what’s going on here?
2) The pattern of diagonal crosses symbolizes the universal theme of star crossed lovers whose tragic quest for romance will eventually destroy them.
3) There seems to be a pattern of making a certain a repetitious pattern. And also making it white on dark blue.
Yes, the answer is 3! You win nothing. Now get back to reading between the lines and stop wasting time on the internet.
August 4, 2012
Enjoying a quiet moment watching the sky turn.
A large bird soared right over my head this morning. I thought maybe it was Hedwig, but it was more hawk than owl.
Even so, I might just be a wizard because I managed to get the lawn mower started. And I mowed the front and sides and pulled some weeds, even though I have been unable to stand up straight for the past 2 days.
And my face was all glowy long afterwards.
July 14, 2012
Do you see what’s going on here? There’s a chair, and it’s in front of a green wall, and there’s a knitted blanket casually draped over the back of the chair. Do you know why? Because I made it. I like to make things, then stand back and look at them and say “Hey, I made that.”
Point of contention: it’s not really a blanket, it’s a shawl -for my church’s prayer shawl ministry. But it could just as easily be called a prayer blanket ministry. Or a prayer shlanket ministry. In any event I made something that actually serves a purpose and has zero calories. It has borders of YO, K2tog. Heh, heh. That’s knitter talk.
Now that I’ve knitted a few things, can I add fiber artist to my resume?
June 29, 2012
Hey hurried lady in Lowe’s. I heard you and I was watching you. I heard you screaming “I don’t have time for this,” over and over to your 3 year old who was crying in the parking lot.
I’m pretty sure your 3 year old heard you too, since you were screaming at him. Oh and your 6 year old definitely heard you. I could tell by the way he trotted alongside you looking worried and uncomfortable. It was clear he’d witnessed mommy’s lack of self-control before.
You know what’s lousy, besides you? Telling a kid that you ” don’t have time for this.” That’s pretty lousy because “this” means him and his inability to control the fact that he’s hot or tired or thirsty or ummm, oh right, 3 years old.
Hey hurried lady in Lowe’s, you know what else is a lousy, besides you? Yanking your kid roughly by the arm, and heaving him up in disgust like he’s a bag of feed. That’s pretty damn lousy. Do you like being treated like you’re a bag of feed? Well then neither does your kid.
I’m not Dr. Phil but I was thinking that maybe the next time your tot has a hard time controlling his emotions, you could try setting an example instead of having your own tantrum. Try listening instead of bellowing about how you didn’t get to go to the gym. Try hugs and kisses and tickles instead of brute force.
Or maybe try birth control.
Because if you think your 3 year old is a sack of feed you probably shouldn’t have had kids. And if you think going to the gym is more fun than your 3 year old you probably shouldn’t have had kids. And if you can’t tolerate the sound of a child crying, you probably shouldn’t have had kids. And if you think you’re more important than your kid because you’re taller and weigh more you probably shouldn’t have had kids.
And if you’re just a self-centered, high maintenance, short-tempered dim witted bitch you definitely shouldn’t have had kids.
June 25, 2012
Just how much catshit do they think I’m scooping that I need an ergonomic handle?
I’m pretty sure I know what ergonomic means, since everything about my work station is Un-ergonomic. You can try to design a more uncomfortable desk, computer tray and mouse set up – but it will be futile because my cubicle has won awards for being the shittiest, smallest, most uncomfortable ever. That pretty much qualifies me as an expert on ergonomics.
Even so, I looked it up to be sure I wasn’t missing some new hidden meaning. Ergonomic: designed to minimize physical effort and discomfort, and hence maximize efficiency.
I have 2 cats and 2 litter boxes. I’ve scooped a shit-ton of litter over the past 15 years. But at no time did I ever stop and say “Damn. Scooping this litter really hurts my hand/wrist/arm/shoulder. I wish I could find an ergonomically designed litter scoop.” You scoop the crap, it takes 2 or 3 minutes and you’re done. So seriously, don’t try to sell me a litter scoop by putting a scientific adjective on the label.
See the part on the left of the photo that says an? It actually says Microban. Right? I know, I was laughing so hard I couldn’t keep the shot in focus. That’s why it’s all blurry – it’s not because I’m a lousy photographer. And let me just say, I’m so relieved this scoop is treated with Microban. Now I can lick it without worrying about getting sick. I just wish they’d make new flavors.